Some Dumb Puns...
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his
home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's
served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of
the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, tells her
husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "But they are twins- if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
BASIC TRUTHS
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have any film.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder: How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
No good deed goes unpunished
"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he
gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he
sticks his head out the window!" - Steve Bluestone
~~~ Surrrrrre they will... ~~~
THE DOGGIE PLEDGE
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
after processing.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant,
no matter how good it smells.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and car registration. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the
toilet.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the
plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off
the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service",
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the
large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he
asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"